Dating a guy in the closet

Often it is fear; however, for some it could be as simple as requirements for their job or basic shyness.

If the reason, other than fear, does not mesh well with your personal values, then I would advise discussing it with your prospective fella, and moving on from the prospect if there is no room to negotiate. For certain, whatever annoys you about their closet is going to annoy you further down the relationship road, thus it is important to avoid such toxicity if it violates your values.

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If the reason for his closet is fear, that is an entirely different animal altogether. Fear is an unfortunate, even tragic, human emotion, and should not be the main determinate of what you find attractive in a relationship. In a metaphoric sense, we all live in some form of closet, because we all have fears, regardless if our fear is always present to us.

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Deal Breaker No. 1: Why I'll Never Again Date a Guy Who's in the Closet | HuffPost

I think that you will discover that by finding compassion for a closeted prospect, you are also having compassion for yourself. But, to make the dating relationship work, it is important to get to the root of the problem that is preventing your romantic interest from living a free and open life. So, talk about it, and listen as he shares. This is the beginning of true intimacy. Roy is a young, hot guy living in the Midwest USA. He was a little late to coming out, and it was a costly move for him, as his career and many of his relationships suffered as he welcomed his identity as a gay man.

Finding freedom in being free of his closet, Roy wanted nothing more than to be coupled as soon as possible. Roy learned his lesson, and was therefore much more open than some people to dating men with checkered or unusual backgrounds. Roy met Seth through an app like OnlyLads. And the spark of attraction was immediate.

They quickly learned that they were compatible in a number ways, especially in the bedroom. One problem, however, as Roy regaled me with the news one night over martinis was that Seth was still mostly in the closet. But my main point here is I physically cannot come out in the near future without ruining my life completely. That doesn't mean I don't want to date though. I've lived the past few years in denial and I'm ready to put myself out there and try my hand at love. I'm tired of living my life the way I have been, and if I can bring someone happiness as well as myself I'm ready to try.


So please, please, if your boyfriend is even close to something like my situation, please be patient. Damn man, all the best to you. I hope things end up working out. Just keep plugging away brother! I could not deal with that at all no matter how great the guy is.

Want to add to the discussion?

I guess for me, I'm coming from a place where I had no choice but to be open because I am a feminine guy and I was tired of people asking me or calling "gay" so I figured early on that if I'm honest with it, no one can really get to me hence coming out a lot earlier than the average gay guy who can blend in. I can't offer you any advice because I myself could not handle dating someone that paranoid about being seen together. But maybe someone here will have the answer for you. We were best friends prior to dating which made it easier around our friends who don't know we have a romantic relationship.

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If it's not your strongest trait, then you'll need to work on it if you want to stay together. I found that I've had to be even more patient, and I thought I was patient to begin with. Sometimes what my boyfriend who do was illogical to me because I don't remember what it's like to be in the closet, nor to I want to remember all the hard years I had. Talk to him about it. Dating someone in the closet means you're also going to have to deal with their insecurities about coming out, being gay, not being comfortable with themselves, being afraid of other knowing, etc.

I am not saying that those in the closet have any of these insecurities, I am just speaking from experience. Ya'll have to talk. I may have made this a focus much later in the year, but set this up from the beginning. If you propose something and he doesn't want to do it, be okay with it and don't take it personally, but ask him why so that you can be understanding moving forward. Coming out only leads to beatings and ridicule so if you really want that go for it.

I hope your attackers beat some sense into you.

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    • Anyone dealt with something similar? Want to add to the discussion? But keep in mind, when I start dating, -if someone from my religion sees me, boom. In the way of tips, this is what I would offer: